why?
a merciless parody
[SCENE: The interior of a fanfic website. EPONINE, a thinly veiled avatar of the author, EPONINE_4819, is dying yet again in MARIUS' arms.]
MARIUS:
Ponine, Ponine
how can I atone?
Why didn't I ever see you before?
EPONINE:
Oh that's all right...
I'm all on my own
And rain's falling on me
And oh yes, I'm in love...
MARIUS:
If I'd known this before
I'd have loved you instead
EPONINE:
I'll be fine because the rain is raining down.
MARIUS: (it begins to dawn on him that something is not right)
But that's not how it goes.
EPONINE: (the veil thins)
I like my way!
MARIUS:
It goes like this--
EPONINE:
That doesn't rhyme!
MARIUS:
And there's Cosette--
EPONINE:
But you're supposed to love ME!
I'm a scruffy gamine and I'm sixteen years old
And all those things that make me special!
It's not canon, I know
But it's fanfic and so
I can do what I want, and I'm the heroine!
MARIUS: (aside)
The day has come
That we have to grit our teeth and forge ahead
The day will come
When my Author will avenge me from the dead!
[Braces himself to live happily ever after with the miraculously recovered EPONINE.]
[A reader, CATHY, enters having innocently clicked on a link, and stares in horror.]
EPONINE_4819: (defensive)
I wrote it myself, right from my heart!
CATHY:
You changed two words. You spelled them wrong.
EPONINE_4819:
No! It's original
And if you want the truth
I know whereof I speak
'Cause I'm in LOVE!
(waxing emotional)
And he won't even date me
'Cause I'm not a darn cheerleader...
CATHY:
Why did it have to be done?
After all that's been written,
Are you smitten with them still?
Why can't you leave it alone?
We all know how it happened
And to change it makes us ill!
EPONINE_4819:
Why?
CATHY:
No one needed to see this
EPONINE_4819:
It's so OBVIOUS to me!
CATHY:
Is that all you can think of--
EPONINE_4819:
All the time that he wasted
When he could have been with me--
I mean her--
CATHY:
He--
EPONINE_4819:
That shows what he knows!
CATHY:
--never looked at her once
EPONINE_4819:
But I wanted to show that if--
CATHY:
We will never believe it
You have told us nothing new.
EPONINE_4819: (to MARIUS)
But Cosette is a bimbo!
Why?
MARIUS:
We fell in love...
CATHY:
She's a nice girl.
MARIUS: (taking courage)
...understandably so.
CATHY:
That's what Cosette's bloody there for!
CATHY AND MARIUS:
What are you trying to prove?
EPONINE_4819:
But he knew how I felt
CATHY AND MARIUS:
What's this warped nouveau ending
EPONINE_4819:
Or at least
CATHY AND MARIUS:
You're pretending
EPONINE_4819:
He should have...
CATHY AND MARIUS:
Is the rule?
EPONINE_4819:
'Cause I followed him 'round!
CATHY AND MARIUS:
Why --
EPONINE_4819:
Just 'cause I don't like dumb Cosette
CATHY AND MARIUS:
Do they write things like this?
EPONINE_4819:
All I want is a chance to write
CATHY AND MARIUS:
Is there
ALL:
--somehow a story that doesn't ape Kretzmer
And is clever
And is written well!
[Pause.]
CATHY: (more patiently)
You'll find, at some point in your lifetime,
Second drafts are a thing that you do.
If we find fault, it's no grudge against you.
Ponine, your fic is on the Web now
And each webmistress is your friend.
No one is going to grade your work now
But still -- revise before you send!
[turns to audience. With great solemnity:]
So it seems we have come to the end.
Edit Your Fanfic Before You Hit Send.
[With a flourish, she releases EPONINE_4819 upon the fanfic community once more.]