lovers all untrue
Lately Julien feels everything slipping out of his control. There is too much, too fast, for him to hold onto. Even his own body is loath to obey him, and tonight, fired by the look that Aimery gives him on his way out -- a kindly look, a pitying look -- suddenly he no longer cares. As soon as they are alone he catches Audric by the arms and pins him to the wall.
"Cher-- what are--" But Julien silences him with a kiss, in no mood to hear recriminations, and when they pause for breath, Audric seems to have forgotten what he was saying. His gentle face is flushed. "Oh, Julien."
"I love you," Julien breathes, and feels his own cheeks burning. Even now, even now he cannot bring himself to say more clearly what he means. He tangles a hand in Audric's hair, willing him to understand; but Audric sets a hand on his shoulder, with obvious restraint, and murmurs, "I love you, too."
Julien's heart flinches, in shame, in doubt; but the rest of him is insisting, I don't care, I don't care, and he can hardly think further than that. He chokes a little. "Kiss me."
And when Audric kisses him gently, gently, he slides a hand into Audric's trousers and presses closer, driven past caution or care. Audric gasps a little, and begins to unfasten buttons, but Julien is swifter. In a very few moments they are clinging together, skin against skin. Dimly, through a haze of heat, he is startled to discover Audric's arousal is as acute as his own, though Audric is enough in his senses to protest, "We should--"
"No." Julien kisses him again furiously, trying to quell his own misgivings. I don't care, I don't care! "Beloved." He caresses Audric with a trembling hand, growing shameless in his desperation, and after a moment, to his blinding relief, the touch is returned.
"Don't stop, don't stop--"
"I don't understand," Audric murmurs, on a shaky breath, his free hand clinging to Julien's shoulder. Neither do I, Julien thinks, in the second before his mind goes blank, and all the terror and confusion and need spills from him in a cry he barely stifles against Audric's shoulder, and he forgets everything at once, and fails to care.
When he comes to himself he is leaning on Audric as Audric leans on the wall, both of them supported only by the woodwork, both sticky and dazed. "I'm sorry," he says, belatedly shocked at himself. Of all the ways to behave!
But Audric touches his cheek with his unsullied hand, still shivering a little, and says gently, "Come to bed"; and he can think of no better penance just then.