Title: Vanity Googling
Authors: David Hines and Petra
Fandom: DCU RPF
Summary: "Oh, man.  Check this out.  Nobody has written Oracle porn."
Rating: No explicit sex.
Characters: A broad swathe of the DCU.
Notes: Zee and Mary may have started the concept of examining fandom as it must exist in the DCU. Suffice it to say that the concept is perennially amusing.


ROY.  "Look, dude, you're getting it up the ass again."

DICK.  "STOP."

DICK. *sends back 'Speedy's First Fuck'*

ROY.  "You know I'm keeping statistics, right?  You get so little chick action."

DICK. "In this one, you get mustache burn on your buttcrack. Hot!"

*

KORY.  "Dear mcjism549, Thank you for writing this!  I laughed at the idea of my being allergic to human semen.  It's not true, but the idea is very funny!  Thanks again, Starfire."

*

DIANA. "Please remove this story. If you do not, my lawyers will issue you a cease and desist order.

- Diana of Themyscira"

KORY.  "But I liked the part where you tied me up with the magic lasso!"

DIANA.  "It.  Can.  Still.  Happen."

*

DUDE 1.  "Oh, man.  Check this out.  Nobody has written Oracle porn."

DUDE 2.  "Dude... where'd your website go?"

*

ROY. "Hey, this author thinks Bruce Wayne is Batman! Except she thinks Batman talks like Bertie Wooster or something."

DICK. "I bet Bruce has her under surveillance, but forward him the link in case."

ROY. "Why me?"

DICK. "That's the one where he falls to his knees and pledges undying love to me, right?"

ROY. "Ha! I knew you read them."

DICK. "Just send him the link."

*

BABS.  "Dad, somebody wrote a story about you on the internet!"

JIM.  "What is it, honey?  -- oh, GAWD!!!"

BABS. "It's okay, Dad. I'm sure you don't really like Batman that way."

JIM.  suspicious  "What does 'Gordon/Catwoman d/s mean?"

BABS.  "Oh, darn, system failure!"

*

CASSIE.: "Kon, have you ever googled me?"

KON. "A couple of times, yeah. Why?"

CASSIE.: "Go to herofic.net. I can't believe people think I'm having sex with Donna!"

KON. *types*

CASSIE.: "...why did the URL just pop up?"

KON. "Um. No reason?"

*

HARLEY.  "Somebody wrote me a story!  Somebody wrote me a story!"

IVY.  "Are we having lesbian sex?"

HARLEY.  gasps  "RED!  You read it first!  No fair?"

IVY.  "Harley, all of the stories are about us having lesbian sex."

[Beat.]

IVY.  "Harley, this story's written in crayon."

HARLEY.  "Um... yeah.  I kinda wrote it. I don't know how to draw on the computer! But it's got pictures."

*smoochies!*

*

DINAH. "I found this story the other day -- and I wanted to show you. Lend me a keyboard for a sec."

BABS. "Dammit. How'd he get around my ISP block again?"

DINAH. "What?"

BABS. "Oh, it's just Ted. Don't worry about it."

DINAH. "But we were --"

BABS. "Yeah. I know."


*

KON.  "There are so many stories about me, dude!  I rock!"

TIM.  "In half of them, we're having sex."

KON.  "That means I'm in twice as many stories as you!"

*

STEPH. "Man, you have got to read this -- oh wait."

CASS. "Read it to me."

STEPH.  "It's... about us."

CASS. "I know. Read slow."

*

JASON. "What the hell. I come back to Gotham and three weeks later I have a fuckin' fanclub who thinks I'm doing Batman."

BRUCE from the shadows. "Are you surprised?"

JASON. "They all think I'm grabbing my ankles for you."

BRUCE. "Clearly they're working from bad data."

*

LOIS.  "They've got me fucking Superman."

LOIS.  "AGAIN."

CLARK.  "Well, you know --"

LOIS.  "They don't know that!"

CLARK. "You're not that subtle."

LOIS.  "Dammit!  I've got two Pulitzers!  I do award-winning investigations, I've written four best-selling books, and I've guest lectured at universities.  You'd think that once, JUST ONCE, they'd have a celebrity of my stature fuck somebody other than Superman!"

JIMMY.  "Turtle Boy?"

LOIS.  "I HEARD THAT, OLSEN."

CLARK. "I saw one with you and B-- Batman three months ago."

LOIS. "And you didn't send it to me? Some husband you are, Smallville."

CLARK. "I can't remember the author's name, or I'd find it for you."

LOIS. "That's why they invented Google." *types* "...Okay, what kind of a username is Bythguhr?"

CLARK. "The accent is on the y."

LOIS. "How the heck do you know -- oh."

CLARK.  *polishes eyeglasses*

LOIS. *under her breath* "If you wanted a threesome, you could've just said something."

*

KORY via EMAIL: "Oh, look!  In this one, we're in a fancy room on an alien planet!"

BABS.  "She's sending you porn.  About the two of you."

DICK.  "Look, she doesn't really mean it that way."

BABS.  *grinds teeth*

KORY'S EMAIL: "Isn't it cute how they think we need aliens to make us do it?"

DICK.  "If you're that upset, you could -- um.  never mind."

BABS. "What?"

DICK.  "Well, you know, nobody's written Oracle porn."


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